Today I Wasn't Ok
Everything I am about to say is hard for me. It scares me to let it out, but that's precisely why I'm doing it. I have to face my fears! Or else they will block myself from being ME. I'm also hoping that if someone is going through the same thing I'm going through today, that this could be your guiding light in some way.Today I wasn’t ok. You know when life is going SO well that you suddenly start feeling your fear demon and paranoia creep in to spoil your happiness? It telling you “It’s all too good to be true.” Well that happened to me today. Hardcore. I thought to myself “Am I missing something? Is there something wrong that I can’t see? Am I at such a high from life being so great right now that it’s inevitable that something will go wrong soon and my world will come crashing down?” BAM. Just like that. Letting those thoughts creep in and actually giving the time of day made me literally feel insane. I was shaking, felt dizzy and I felt very negative energy in my body. It’s crazy how powerful your mind and ego can be. They can take over your heart and mind. You can’t tell what’s reality and what is a delusion. It’s been a whilllllle since I felt this way..
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Growing up I was VERY shy. You may have not been able to tell from the outside, but on the inside, I was a disaster. I remember back in elementary school how much I cared about what others thought of me. If people were having a conversation near me, and they would start to laugh, sometimes I thought they were laughing at me. I was very socially awkward on the inside. Full of fear. The only way I felt like I belonged was excelling in sports, academics, and art. Organized sports were my crutch. They were a social in for me. My outlet. My release. A place where I felt like I belonged. Even though I was very athletic, can you believe I was too shy to ask kids during recess to join their game!? “What is they say no? What if they laugh in your face?” This life was torturous for me. Then, in grade 8, I found out from my parents that we were moving. I was terrified. “High school!? Without knowing anyone!? At least everyone here knows me and I know them.” After moving I became depressed. Hiding it very well of course. The outside world was so scary to me that I would just sit in my room, listening to music, alone with my thoughts for hours. I actually had thoughts about killing myself. Wondering what others would think if I was gone. Would they even notice? I can’t say I was suicidal though, to the point where I would actually go through with it. I just knew in my heart I never would, and I never even tried. It’s just crazy how fear can lead someone to thoughts like those, and in many cases, suicide..
The summer before I started high school, there came a day where I had enough. I was sick of living in this dark world. It was time for a change. I realized that since no one knew me in high school yet, I could become whoever I wanted to be. I wouldn’t have labels already put on me. This was exciting to me. I decided that day that if something scared me, I would face my fear and see what would happen. I saw it as training myself to become confident. Slowly, through facing little fears such as going up and talking to someone, or standing up for myself, or saying a joke that I thought was funny but I wanst sure if others would think it was funny, I became more outspoken, more myself, and I was able to tackle bigger fears in life that have helped me get to where I am right NOW.
So going back to how I felt today….I’m so grateful that I had Rory here to talk to me and snap me out of it. No one can snap you out of negative self talk but yourself, BUT having someone there to be your guiding light is SUCH a breath of fresh air. You feel support and love and you start wondering what the point of all these negative thoughts is. As soon as I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, I realized it’s MY choice to do something about this. I can either choose to sit and wallow in stories my mind was making up of the things that COULD go wrong in the my life, OR I can choose to open up my eyes, mind, and heart to the present moment. What is going on around me right now? Am I happy? What am I grateful for? If all I truly have right now is the present moment and I am at peace and happy, then why try to imagine a time (the future) where you don’t even know what is going to happen or how you are going to feel? If you do that, your body is in the present moment, but your mind is floating around in a delusion that your ego made up. THAT is insanity. Torture.
So I went for a run. I ran for as long as I wanted, with the wind slowly sweeping away my fear demon far away. The how sun beating down on me was hope and light showing me that is every thing is ok, RIGHT NOW and that’s all that matters RIGHT NOW. I got back home, feeling dizzy from the run and from all the emotions and thoughts in my head. I watered the garden while taking some deep breaths. Finally, my runners high subsided and I felt energized again. Everything was crisp in my world again. My fear demon was gone and I was back! I am ok again :)
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